Sometimes I get so confused about what God wants from me. Especially lately. Not in the angry “What do you want from me?!?!” questioning God sort of way, but the dazed and confused “what am I supposed to be when I grow up?!?” kind of way. Thus, I’ve embarked on a quest of sorts.
You see, my children will be starting school in the Fall. Preschool, but school nonetheless. I can’t help but think that had I led my life differently, I would already be a teacher by now. But, no use crying over spilled milk, right? So instead, I looked at the current career path I have chosen, and starting in January began praying for the Lord’s intercession. One of the great things about the new church we’re going to is that the Pastor doesn’t stand up there for hours yapping just to fill a time slot (not that our old one did, I’m jes sayin’). He makes his point, backs it up with scripture, and moves on. But at the start of the year, the new Pastor encouraged us to look at our lives and at what we’ve given up on that
God is still waiting on us to fulfill… and then get going. He also charged us with looking at an area of our life where the only way we can accomplish it is with God’s intervention, and then ask God to intervene.
God is still waiting on us to fulfill… and then get going. He also charged us with looking at an area of our life where the only way we can accomplish it is with God’s intervention, and then ask God to intervene.
So for me, it was two fold. The thing I think I gave up on is becoming a children’s book author (it’s still a dream to have a children’s picture book line, and some part of me thinks that I have “settled” by publishing my stories online rather than pursuing book author status). And the other… the thing I really need God’s intervention on (aside from teaching) is that God would help me with a career/job that is more flexible for our family. Now it’s not reasonable for me to ask God to find me a job that I’m not qualified for (teaching) that will accept me uncertified, that pays double what teachers make to live our current lifestyle, OR let me win the lottery in conjunction so all our other bills will be paid, so I in turn can afford a pay cut. Of course not. So maybe God can find me a career/job that affords me the privilege of either dropping my kids off or picking them up at school each day, being home to greet them at the door, or being home even to work on homework in the evenings. One that allows me to wake up at my natural 6:15 body clock, not the dreaded, hateful man-made alarm clock that jars me awake at 4:45 on a great day, or 5:30 if I’m going to cut breakfast, hair-washing, devotion, or some combination thereof in order to make it to work by 6:30. (Yes, I am asking the impossible, aren’t I, to shower, have quiet time, exercise, and eat 3 squares all in the same day?)
So, to that end, I “got going” and started yet another adventure, as a Thirty-One Gifts consultant. Thirty-One is, you guessed it, based off of the Virtuous Woman from good old Proverbs 31. (You can check out my wares at www.mythirtyone.com/15845.) Yes, I love it, enjoy it, it is fun, and a great company to work for. But it’s hard work in direct sales to make sure you are actually profiting and not spending all of your hard-earned money between hostess gifts, incentives, and product marketing. The goal was to use the income (if any?) to pay off school loans that will free me up for career moves to help accomplish/be promoted to/locate the new job (or job at the current company I work for) that I so desperately desire. And my husband is truly starting to think that I add these things into my life to get away from my family, when in fact, my MO is quite the opposite!
Except now I’m starting to wonder if I’ve done the right thing. What have I done, really, and is it worth it? Is spending even more time each week away from my family going to pay off? Should I quit, two weeks into it, even though I have booked 6 parties in a 4-week time frame? Or is confusion a work of the devil, sent to deter me from doing what God will bless? Rather than searching for a workplace Utopia, should I just devote my time to my current job and work harder? Suck it up and face that this is my bed in which I must lay? Should I quit both current jobs and throw myself into finding a separate job? Go back to school for teaching? Give up on teaching?
For the first time in my life, I’m afraid I don’t know what to do. I’ve always had a plan, which usually started the next project before the current project was finished). Always been the one to pull everyone else out of their despair, always picked myself up, dusted myself off, and started walking to the next destination before I’d even decided where that would be. Little Miss Type-A personality, totally independent woman. Yet today, I am more confused as ever about where that next destination is, what it should be, and which path is the right one. For the first time in my life, even though in the past I’ve been (at the same time) wife, mother, full-time employee, full-time college student, Sunday School teacher, choir director, etc etc) with no problems at all, today I feel overwhelmed. And for the first time, I see myself as if from beyond my own body wondering where it all ends and when too much is too much. And… for the first time… I am sad that God might not have a grandiose plan to save me from my poor choices. That contrary to previous opinions, I really don’t know what my future holds, and maybe there is no magical fairy tale ending.
And two things occur to me, even as I write this. One, maybe I’m placing the emphasis too much on myself. That if *I* work harder, *I* can pay off the loans and then *I* can find a new job. Where and how does God get any glory from miracles He works in my life if I take on these miracles myself rather than letting him handle them? Two, I am reminded, in hope, of Jeremiah 29:11… “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. Most people stop reading there. But keep reading and you find He says “Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart”.
So here I am Lord, just me seeking you and your will for me with all of my heart. I don’t know what you have for me, but you know the desires of my heart. Not just to be a teacher, but to be that woman, whose children rise up and call her blessed, to be there for them and not be a part-time mom and full-time everything else. To have sanity, showers, exercise, AND breakfast. To make my husband think there could never be another woman for him but me. To have a brain… to write your stories… to know that somewhere in this world, some child might be a better child after hearing my bedtime story…and to know that there is or was someone on this earth that came to know you because of me. Help me know what to do with my life, what to stop, what to begin, and what to maintain as Lord, I give it all to and seek, you.
XOXO,
Karen
Just a quick update to this particular blog. Not only is my new venture with Thirty-One gifts taking off (I was promoted once in May, and again in August, but we’ll blog on that another day!), I also had a missionary email me out of the blue. She had stumbled upon my children’s website while looking for Christian stories for children, and asked if she could take my stories from the children’s website with her to read to the children at an orphanage in Nepal she was visiting! What an awesome blessing is that? To be a part of that ministry is amazing!
(And thanks LE for the encouragement! It was much needed!)
Hey Karen, I don’t know if I can say anything to help, but just know that you are not alone. I think that the majority of women, especially Moms, feel pulled in way too many directions. I know I have been having a mini meltdown of my own here lately, too. You wrote that you don’t know if God can “save you from your poor choices”, but I wish you would not feel that way because I don’t think you have made poor choices at all. I know that you think you may have missed the boat on becoming a teacher, but I think some of that confusion may be coming from the demanding position that you currently hold in the field that I believe God intends you to be in. Currently, you are keeping hours that don’t mesh well with your goals as a Mom and teaching seems like a good fit because of the hours teachers get to keep. Since I struggle with my career choice from time to time (I have the teacher certificate, but don’t use it. Do you want mine? haha), how about we both pray that we focus less on the “I have to have my career life figured out” and more on making a difference in our spiritual lives. That’s all that matters in the end, anyway, right? Then, we will pray specifically that God will give you a new job that takes pressure off of your home life, no matter what that job is and whether it solves the problem of paying off loans, supporting the current lifestyle, etc. As far as the second job goes, if you continue to not have a peace with that then I think it is not God’s plan. If he does want you to continue with that, don’t allow guilt to get a stronghold because you and God both know it is only for a season and that you do have the bigger picture for your family in mind. Also, you have the call to write your stories, and I also believe that is a true talent of yours but you have got to stop making that a burden by feeling like it should be at a certain level, as well. That is your art and it is supposed to be fun. Work on it when you have the time and if you don’t publish your first book until your 80, then so be it! There are no time/age limits! If God chooses your stories to be your teaching ministry, then He is going to make it happen on His timetable, so quit trying to get in the way! (haha).
Also, know that your family loves you even if you don’t fit that “Mom greets me at the door” model. You work hard for them every day, come home to them every day and are involved and present with them in the time that you do have. There are tons of husbands and kids out there that wish they had someone like you.
If your heart continues to desire more time in your home life, I know that with time and prayer, God will open the doors needed to make that happen. I will be praying for you and in the meantime, don’t put so much pressure on yourself to have it all figured out right now!
I get like that, too, and God has to pull me back to reality, so I know what I’m talking about!