I have been in the midst of not-quite-chaos-but-so-close-to-it-it’s-not-funny for so long! In a constant state of questioning God’s provision, and my role in my family. It took a long time – at least the past year – to truly discover what my role and place is but when I did make that discovery it wasn’t what anyone else could tell me… I treasured their advice, but ultimately the discovery had to be within me. It had to come from me. AND, it was only after I’d tried to transform our family into everyone else’s idea of what would work for us. Needless to say, it didn’t, but discovering that was necessary to get to the true US.
I talked to a treasured friend K about my dilemma… What does God want me to BE? What does He want for our family? Her insight was like a light switch in a dark room. I am so thankful for godly
friendships! I talked to my cousin… clearly that woman needs some sort of award for the number of “what ifs” I throw at her. I talked to my husband, probably more honest and real conversation in the past six months than in the past sixteen years combined! (Well, except right after we found out we were having twins… There was LOTS of very real conversations going on then too.) And of course, I talked to God. But here lately, I have come to a new revelation. At this stage of my life, I totally hear Him stepping back and saying “It’s your turn. Choose whichever YOU want.”
I am floored.
You see, when it comes to my friends, hubs, and cousin B, the conversations are very two-way.
“Here are my options… I’m thinking about this, or this… I could do this… But what about this… And here are the pros and cons of all of them, oh and I really think I should do this thing too.”
But when it comes to God, so many of my conversations with him come down to “okay Lord, you know my options, what do you want me to do?” We want so much to walk in the path HE has for us, because we know that path is sweeter. Sometimes we end up like Moses and we keep asking the same questions because we don’t like or believe God’s answers. We put God in the box of provider, never moving to a maturity level where we see him as advisor and coach, father and confidant, allowing us to make the decision ourselves. If God tells us we are something, why do we go back and argue with him that we’re not that something?
So today, He is out of his box, and the questions I ask Him are different. More importantly, I believe the answers He gives. He has moved beyond provider to advisor, confidant, coach, and father. and just like I would have believed my earthly father when he said he believed in me enough to let me make the decision myself, it’s the same now. We are on top of the mountain, God and I, looking out at the valley below and all of the choices therein, and I can hear Him point and say “They’re ALL gifts. Choose the one YOU want.”
And I have never felt more peace in my entire life. It has taken so long to get here, to that place where I can look out and see that every single option I have is a blessing from him, and that He would be proud of me, and walk alongside me no matter which road I take. I am feeling so much like the virtuous woman in verse 16, except with more than one field presented before me.
She considers a field and buys it, and from her earnings she plants a vineyard. ~ Proverbs 31:16
Would I ask God to send me through the past year or so again to get here? I’d like to say yes, but we all know what happens when we pray for patience, so I think I’ll just be thankful for where I am now and leave it at that. (Wink wink)
XOXO,
Karen
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